Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Internal (Maternal) Struggle.

As I approach turning 25 this summer, I have been feeling super weird about it. I've never cared at all about getting older. In fact I think when you are a teenager you can't wait to get older, especially turning 21. I've always felt like I have so much time left to do everything I want to do. And technically I do. But, there is just something about 25 that makes me feel a little anxious. I'm going to be mid twenties...Each year seems to be going by faster and faster too. 
In my 'life plan' I didn't think I'd get married so young, but I knew I would like to get married in my early twenties. So that has been checked off. The next step on my 'plan' was to have kids. I figured that would be around 25-27. Well....that's coming up. I think this idea has definitely added to my anxiety about turning 25. 
Here is where the inner struggle is happening, and I can't really quiet the thoughts. To have kids or not to have kids. Blah. I actually never thought I would be writing about this, but I thought it might help me. I adore kids. Always have. Babies, eh not so much-that was more my sister. But, toddlers and kids are so fun and I love them. I feel like we would be great parents. My husband and I make an awesome team and we totally agree on what type of parents we would be. While previously being pretty uncomfortable about kids he has gotten a lot of practice with our niece and nephew and feels much more capable. I can totally picture our child too, and like a typical girl already have names picked out. 
That's not reality though. The reality is that choosing to bring a child into this world is the most terrifying thing I can think of. It would change our lives completely (and I know it would be in a good way) and I'm not sure if we are ready [to volunteer] for that. We have a certain measure of freedom that we really enjoy. Our house would need a major makeover. The idea of gaining weight that is hard to lose isn't appealing either. (I know that sound like super selfish, but hey it's how I feel)
The cons start adding up, but I still struggle with that natural maternal pressure to start having babies. It doesn't help that everyone and their brother asks us when we are going to have kids. You know it's really hard to think of a polite answer to that! I usually just say we love being an aunt and uncle for now. And that is totally true. It's just that everytime someone asks it reminds me that I haven't made up my mind yet. 
The real issue here is that I have a very obsessive personality and I like to know the plan. I like to know what I need to do to and what is required of me. It is just unsettling that I don't know what our plan is, because there is no plan! While having an 'accident' baby would solve this, the idea of not planning something is completely unnatural for me. 
I know this decision doesn't need to be made today, or even this year. I guess I just used to feel like I had all the time in the world, but as you get older you realize that you don't have as much as you thought. Okay, that's like super heavy. For now, we are staying incredibly busy and enjoying life as a couple. I just can't help but feel that inner struggle. 
Leave me a comment: How do you feel about getting older? Did one age bother you in particular? How did you know you were ready to start having kids, or not? 

xoxo Kristen

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